I am Stubborn. God is Patient.

I’m willing to admit it. I’m stubborn. When I have decided on something, I am determined that’s what will happen, and I will fight with everything in me to make sure it does. Being driven and determined has helped me in some areas of my life, but it has also hurt me in others. Let me explain. I’m good at achieving goals, completing tasks, and working hard to make progress. However, I have also fought against God because He has called me to do something I was determined not to do. This happened recently.

Starting back in September, God was asking me to lead worship. It started with those around me during worship telling me I have a good voice. When they told me this, I didn’t believe them. No one had ever told me I could sing, so I didn’t think I could. I had a difficult time accepting this compliment from people for months. What started as one person telling me this turned into more of my friends telling me. I still didn’t believe them, and then people I wouldn’t consider myself close with started to tell me. More and more frequently, people were commenting on my voice.

I didn’t think much of it, but then, people started telling me I should consider leading worship. As soon as someone told me this, I decided that I would never lead worship. I was determined to stay within the safety of my comfort zone and let others lead the squad in this way. This plan would have worked flawlessly; however, God kept sending people to ask me if I would lead worship over and over again. I continued to say no, even though I knew it was something I was supposed to do. I was afraid of failure, and I loved my comfort zone. 

I wrote a blog in December about using the gifts God has given you and the abilities he has equipped you with to be a vessel to advance his kingdom. When I wrote the post, I was talking about how I had been using my ability to speak Spanish to do kingdom work. After posing the blog, I started to experience conviction. I knew God was calling me to lead worship, and I was walking in passive disobedience. My obedience required action, and I wasn’t willing to take it. I wrote about not letting fear keep you from obedience, but I continued to walk in fear and disobedience. Each time someone asked me to lead worship, and I said no, I felt convicted. This happened a lot. But because I was determined not to do it, I continued to say no. I kept my conviction to myself and let fear keep me from obedience. I felt like a hypocrite, but I didn’t want to lead worship because I was afraid to and doubted myself.

I continued in my stubbornness, disobedience, and hypocrisy until one morning when the person who was supposed to lead worship had a sore throat. They asked me if I would be willing to help them lead the squad in our usual morning worship, and without any practice or any time to change my mind, I said I would do it. For six months, I had been letting fear of failure and my stubbornness keep me from doing what God had asked me to do. Suddenly, God put me in a situation where I could no longer stay passive. I had to decide on the spot if I was going to be obedient or not. God had been patiently waiting for my conviction to lead me to repentance for months, but I needed this moment, one with a short time frame, to be obedient. I decided I would take a step of obedience, even though it was scary. I led worship that morning, and everything went well. Thank you, God, for being patient when I was running from obedience. 

A few weeks later, I was asked to help lead worship for a youth night the church was hosting. I agreed to do it, and I enjoyed it. I’m thankful that God was patient with me. I’m thankful he continued asking me to step out in obedience. And I’m thankful he continued to convict me when I was disobedient. He has equipped us in various ways and given us each unique gifts. He wants to use us, and we just have to be willing. 

Now, more recently, as I was praying about various things, God brought to my mind a camp I have volunteered at as a counselor. As I was praying, I felt peace about being involved again this summer, though I knew it would be in a different way. When I mentioned this to the camp leadership team, I was asked if I would be interested in being a part of the Praise Team for the week. Previously, I would have immediately responded with, “Absolutely not. That’s ridiculous,” but instead, I turned to prayer. God has been patiently teaching me not to be ruled by fear but to allow him to be the Lord of my life. That means I can’t let my fear give me an immediate answer, but I need to ask Him what He wants me to do. Even more, I have to be obedient to what He asks of me, even when it is outside of my beloved comfort zone.