I’m currently learning to be vulnerable and let people into what I am learning, praying about, and going through. Being vulnerable doesn’t mean sharing things only when you have it all figured out, know all the answers, and have precisely the right words to say. This post is me practicing a bit of vulnerability as I share what the past week has been like and the emotions it has involved. I don’t have everything figured out, I’m still learning these things, and some of it broke my heart to relive as I wrote about it.
Life in Guatemala is amazing, but it isn’t always the fun adventure people think it is. I often don’t share the hard parts or the painful growth process. This past week has been really difficult, and I wanted to invite you into it. In reality, being away means you have to walk through hard things away from home. This past week has been extremely difficult, and I have had to learn how to confront my emotions instead of avoiding them and seeking comfort in other areas. This week, one of my closest friends left the race, my dog died, we experienced a lot of lasts and said a lot of goodbyes. This week was hard, but I’m grateful for it. Here are some scattered thoughts to explain why:
Something the Lord has been teaching me a lot about is intimacy. Time and time again, conversations and teachings took a turn to talking about intimacy with God, something I have always struggled with. I love to read my Bible, but I struggle to spend time in prayer and building an intimate, personal relationship with God. This is something that I have tried to change, but there was always something that seemed to keep me from having a relationship with him. Of course, God wants to have a relationship with me, and I was the one with walls up that kept him at a distance. Since the first time that we heard a teaching about intimacy with God, I started to pray into it. I prayed about this for weeks and was beginning to get frustrated because it seemed everyone else had intimacy with God, and no matter how hard I tried, I didn’t. As I prayed, I realized that I struggle not only with intimacy with him but also with people. I genuinely believe that the things in our lives affect our walk with the Lord. Because I don’t let myself get too close to the people in my life, I don’t allow myself to have a close relationship with God. A fear of intimacy with people led me to fear intimacy with God. One day, as I was praying about where this fear of intimacy came from, he revealed that because of my past experiences, I believe that every relationship will end, leaving me hurt. In my mind, I know that God will never leave me, forsake me, or betray me; but I don’t believe it in my heart. I am still learning to trust him and working to grow in intimacy with the Father, but it’s a slow process, and I have to be okay that things don’t change overnight. Just like how you build trust with a friend, you must learn to trust God. I am in the midst of that process.
Another thing I am learning is what it looks like to allow myself to be close to people, loved by them, and how to fully love them. As I mentioned, this week, I had to say goodbye to one of my squad mates that I consider a close friend. I am proud of her and love her more than I thought. When she told us she was leaving, I cried. In fact, I cried several times that night because of how much I would miss her. I was surprised by how sad I was because I thought I was keeping her at a distance. The day before she told us that she was leaving was the day the Lord revealed to me I believe every relationship painfully ends. When she told us she was leaving, I had to choose how I would respond: I could see it as verification that every relationship does end, or I could change how I view relationships. Either way, I was put into a position where I had to confront my view of friendship. I chose to be grateful that we had the time together that we did and that I can call her a friend. I had to embrace the pain I felt in her leaving and realize it hurt because we loved each other well. And the friendship doesn’t have to end just because she left. I’m grateful that our friendship was one that it hurt to say goodbye because it means we were good friends. If I keep everyone at a distance because of fear of future pain, I create a life of isolation and loneliness. We weren’t meant to be alone; that’s why God created Eve. Allow yourself to be close with people. The joy in the friendship is worth the potential pain of it ending. There’s joy in community.
This week has been a week of many lasts and goodbyes. I said goodbye to my friend and many others. Yesterday was our last day of ministry, meaning it was time to say goodbye to the kids and the Guatemalans we have been working with. Weeks leading up to the goodbye, knowing that our time together was ending, I had a heavy heart and knew I was sad. Even though I knew I was sad to say goodbye, I didn’t think I would be as sad as I was when I said my goodbyes. Saying goodbye to the kids and spending the last few moments holding them and playing with them, my heart was breaking. As I write this and remember the goodbye, my heart breaks again. These kids taught me so much about what it looks like to love. Even though they knew we would leave, they welcomed us with hugs and kisses day after day. They knew we were going to leave, but they loved us deeply. Getting to love them every day, God grew my heart. Day after day, I loved the kids, the volunteers, and the country more. At the end of each day, I didn’t think I could love anymore, but God grew my heart every day, and I fell more in love with his creation and his people. God has allowed me to love in a capacity I didn’t think possible. I am thankful that he has grown my heart, but every goodbye was hard. The day before, I was telling someone that I wasn’t sure I would cry when we said goodbye, but I cried several times throughout the day. I’ve been learning to allow myself to feel my emotions instead of suppressing them, and to express them, so I was grateful for the tears when we said goodbye. Even though it was hard, I am glad it was hard. I’m glad that I was able to build meaningful relationships with the kids and the Guatemalan volunteers at our ministry. I’m glad that the goodbye was hard.
This week was hard, but it was also filled with so much joy. Someone once told me that the more we can feel pain, the greater our capacity for joy is. Yes, it hurts, but it’s not bad. Pain isn’t something to be avoided; it’s a part of life. If we spend our lives avoiding pain, we will never know the extent of joy that we could have. If we are afraid of feeling pain, we will never have relationships with people that mean something to us. I encourage you to live in each present moment and pour into your relationships with those in your life. People want to know you and want to love you: let them.
